I sew a lot. Creating new things from raw materials is what I live for. I also crochet, paint, do paper arts, make soap, and anything else that tickles my fancy, but working with fibers is my favorite. There's nothing like taking a piece of fabric and giving it a whole new life and purpose. Anyone that sews will inevitably end up with loose threads all over the place, whether it's from pieces of fabric that unravel or ends that need to be clipped off. Those little threads cling to everything and it's a constant battle to keep them corralled.
I also like to read my horoscope (I'm an Aquarius). It's just for fun and not because I plan my life around it or anything, but sometimes it offers a good piece of advice or something very insightful that makes me think. This was one from a few days ago that I've been chewing on all week:
"A period of emotional adjustment is coming to a close. You may have been struggling or resisting a needed change, and you are now willing to let things go. Once you truly surrender to what is, what can be has a chance to manifest. You will soon start to see the light at the end if the tunnel."
I've been asking myself for several days the questions, "what do I need to let go of?", and "what have I been resisting?" There are several answers that could go in multiple directions. However, what stands out most in my mind is my feelings of inadequacy. I feel like that is the main thread holding me back at this moment.
My entire life has been spent feeling as though I could never measure up to others- at my thinnest I wasn't thin enough; if I made good grades, I still wasn't smart enough; if I worked out at the gym, I still wasn't strong enough; if I gave myself a makeover, I still wasn't pretty enough; and on and on and on. I envy people who seem to have a lot of self-confidence, because that's the one thing I've always lacked. It hasn't been for a lack of trying though- Even though I was smart and made good grades, I still needed money to pay for college so I joined ROTC. It challenged me mentally and physically in ways I never could on my own, but I never felt that I was tough enough, strong enough, fast enough to be really great at it. I took piano lessons for 9 years and playing piano has often been my joy, as well as my bread and butter, but no matter how many compliments I get, I still feel that I'm not talented enough. Don't even get me started on body image. No matter how much weight I lose, it will never seem to be enough.
My marriage only perpetuated those feelings of inadequacy. Maybe he talked to me like I was stupid because I wasn't smart enough. Maybe he ignored me because I wasn't interesting enough. Maybe he stopped taking me out because I got too fat. It's hard to turn off that voice in my head, even now. It's that negative voice I hear telling me, "That cute guy won't give you the time of day; he'd rather talk to that skinny pretty girl"; "You're not going to get that new job because surely people are talking bad about you behind your back"; "You shouldn't bother taking pictures of yourself because you'll look hideous in them anyway".
Those are the threads that are holding me back and need to be snipped. That negative voice is one thread that needs to be clipped, corralled and swept away. "Once you surrender to what is, what can be has a chance to truly manifest". What that means is that I need to stop looking in the mirror and wishing I saw someone else's reflection. I need to celebrate the things I like about myself and works towards improving those things that need tweaking.
There are things that I like about myself. I like that I'm compassionate and generous to a fault. I like that I'm exceedingly creative and my mind never stops coming up with new ideas. I like that I have a love of growing things and that I'm very patient. I like that I can find beauty where others can't and that when the moment calls for strength and courage in a crisis, I'm there with a level head. I like that I'm an eternal optimist and can always find humor in any situation. In comparison the things I don't like seem superficial. Will I ever look like the sexy models on TV? Nope. But I can be disciplined and diligent about my health. Will I ever be a Rhodes scholar? Nope. But I can resolve to never stop learning. Will I ever be a stand out athlete? Nope. But I can continue to push myself harder and harder, not for anyone else's benefit, but for my own. Will that cute guy suddenly find me irresistible? Doubtful. But that shouldn't stop me from putting myself out there anyway.
Those negative voices are the little threads that cling to everything. It's time to get out the scissors and start snipping those threads and sweeping them away so that what can be has a chance to truly manifest.