37 Days of Patience

I've fallen behind on my 37 days projects since taking on a new job that I love.  The job is challenging and requires a tremendous amount of energy, but I am in my element and loving it.  I spent the first month getting acquainted with the job itself- the procedures, who the major players are,  etc., and then started making plans on how to move forward towards success. However, it hasn't all been a piece of cake. I've noticed several deficiencies where the business is losing money or is completely inefficient and have been working towards closing the gaps. But I've been met with resistance over making changes. The business has been in several different hands over the years and many of the daily practices involve relying on the way things have always been done, whether it's in the business' best interests or not. There are multiple layers of personalities to contend with- some are  micromanagers that want to hover over me every second; some are drivers who want to push through their own agendas; some are completely apathetic and won't even offer an opinion when asked. Trying to get all of these personalities on the same page and going in the same direction is like herding cats.

While in the midst of all of this, I've also been making a half-hearted attempt at putting myself back in the dating world. After 4 months of trying online dating and being inundated with (mainly) sexist messages, I decided that perhaps I'm just not ready for dating yet. A while back I wrote about the online profile I came across that was a complete game-changer for me; since then I have used that profile as my measuring stick by which to gauge all subsequent encounters. They have all fallen woefully short of my new standard.

Over the years, and especially this year, I have learned that if things just aren't going right, then it's time to stop beating my head against the wall and evaluate the situation. So I started with my job and made a list of the specific problems I've been having, which person is behind that problem, and why it is that we're butting heads; is it just a personality clash, or is there some specific reason why they are acting the way they are on this issue? Why is this person stuck on this particular opinion of this particular issue? The next step is to meet with them face to face and openly discuss what's going on. Since taking on this job I've been running full-steam ahead at doing what I think is in the best interest of the business while at the same time being pulled in different directions by different agendas. It's time to patiently untie the knot, one strand at a time. 

On the personal relationship side, it is time to take a step back and think about what it is that I'm looking for in another person and what it is that I bring to the table as well. I know the qualities and attitudes that I desire and weeding out who is not suitable is relatively easy. But on the few occasions where I've talked to someone who might have potential, I have felt myself rebuilding walls of suspicion and distrust and effectively pushing them away. That made me realize that perhaps there are still feelings from my divorce that I haven't completely dealt with, namely feelings of trust. If I can't find it in myself to trust a man not to hurt me emotionally, then it's not time for me to try and look for a potential mate. I may have a lot of good qualities, but friendship should be based on trust and respect, and right now I'm lacking both of those. It's time for me to patiently dig up those negative feelings, analyze them, and release them from my heart before I can move on.

I've been charging forward like a warrior, bent on the assumption that my way of doing things or way of being was correct. But today I ran across a quote by Leo Tolstoy- "The two most powerful warriors are patience and time".  I haven't been using either patience or time when dealing with my new job or with my own fears and feelings. So for the next 37 days, the words "patience and time" will be my daily mantra, to remind me to slow down and examine each problem from multiple angles to find the solution that works best for everyone.