Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Getting My Passion Back

Since writing my last post, "10 Things I Learned From an Online Profile", I've been trying to pinpoint the areas in which I find myself deficient so that I can be assured that I'm living my best, most passionate life.  But there's one area that has been plaguing me for months and today I finally was able to put a finger on it.  Like I stated in my last post, inspiration sometimes comes from unlikely places. I was taking a break from my very mundane, detail-heavy day job and looking at a local blog about my city. While I was flipping through the pages, I found a listing of jobs that had been posted for the week and among them was a job that I never would have pictured myself in, but it immediately excited me.  And that's when the 10 lessons from the profile and the one question I've been pondering for months now both jumped up and smacked me in the head- "Are you living a passionate life or are you just existing?"

For the past year or so I've been in a state of major transformation and transition.  After spending a decade in a toxic relationship and the dawning of the realization that I had a choice to end it, I've been doing a lot of construction work on my heart and mind. Phase I of the construction was dealing with the anger and resentment that had built up over the years; I had to deal with each individual instance that caused me hurt and pain, acknowledge it, and then let it go so that it no longer had a hold over me. Once I finally felt free and at peace from those demons that had haunted me, I moved on to Phase II of replacing all of that negativity with positive thoughts and actions.  I eliminated a very stressful job and replaced it with one that, while very dull, has afforded me the ability to relax and be much kinder to my body.  Now that I've gotten past so much negativity and stress and have a lot more peace in my life, the one thing that has been gnawing at the back of my mind is that now it is time to move on to the next phase and bring more passion and zeal back into my life. It's time for Phase III.

I'm not sure if that gnawing at the back of my mind existed before I read the online profile or because of it; I just know that I've had this feeling for a while of what I described to a friend as "swimming in a sea of apathy".  I've enjoyed the peace and tranquility from leaving my old life behind, but at the same time I felt like I was missing my fire.  The last time I felt really passionate and happy with my life is when I ran my own business from home. It was literally the best year of my life, being able to use my creativity to make a living on my own terms.  But then my ex-husband put me in the tough position to have to choose between doing what I loved, or giving it up to take a job that made more money so I could support the family. I chose the latter option, and with that choice, the flame of my passion died. I went into robot mode, doing what had to be done to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table in a very high-pressure, high-stress job. 

Even though I'm not in that high-stress job anymore, I'm still in robot mode, just doing what needs to be done.  In conjunction with my 37 Days of Confidence, I've started going out on my own and exploring some interests, but I just can't shake off that feeling that it's not enough. Interest does not equal passion after all. I miss the feeling of being so fired up about something that I have to tell everyone I see.  Not feeling that passion makes me feel as though I'm not living up to my potential, nor am I being true to my authentic self. 

So maybe this new job opportunity is just the thing I've been looking for- the chance to be back in my wheelhouse and doing something that I love and that inspires me every day.  There's always the chance I won't get the job of course, but at least one thing remains- I'm headed into Phase III and I'm getting my passion back.

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